My December
by purplehairedwonder
Summary: An unspeakable act in a moment of weakness leads to a breakup of Keiko and Yusuke. Yusuke goes into self-imposed exile while the rest of his friends are forced to cope with his departure.


**Author's Note: **I just recently discovered this song and I absolutely love it, and immediately, this little idea for a story popped into my head as I listened to it. So I hope you enjoy.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho or the Linkin Park song "My December"

* * *

My December

* * *

_This is my December  
This is my time of the year  
This is my December  
This is all so clear  
This is my December  
This is my snow covered home  
This is my December  
This is me alone_

Wandering the lonely streets, a cold wind picked up and ruffled unkempt, black hair. Years ago, this hair might have been slicked back, but times had changed. Now, his hair was longer and uncared for. Unconsciously, he pulled his jacket tighter around him as the wind blew, picking up snow from the ground and blowing the white powder into his face. But he did not care. Not anymore.

"Spirit Detective!" a gruff voice called out from behind him. He turned to face the source of the voice. A demon stood facing him, probably middle B-class by the feel of his energy. At the sight of his face, however, he began to shake. The once soft and boyish features of Yusuke Urameshi had hardened. A long scar ran down the right side of his face, while other, smaller ones, were scattered across the once handsome face. His eyes, once a mischievous chocolate brown, were now a dead brown, almost black. The fires of Hell seemed to burn in them, despite their dead quality.

"What?" Yusuke demanded. His voice had also changed; where it had once been alive and full of fire, it was now hard and threatening. There was no mischief hinted in his tone, as there would have been a few years ago. Long strands of black hair whipped from behind into his face, giving him the appearance of a black, untamed mane. The demon stood, quaking. This had not what he had expected when he had heard of the Spirit Detective, and even the fact that he had gone through changes.

"I… I…" Yusuke glared at the demon with those dead eyes and the demon shook even more, though trying to hide it. "I… I…"

"Well, spit it out, damnit. Did you come for a fight?" Yusuke growled.

"I… I…"

"You are aware that I'm not the Spirit Detective anymore, right? Haven't been for years." An evil smile crept along his scarred features. "Though I'm not opposed to killing any low-class creature that wastes my time." No mischief in that voice or eyes.

"I… I…" Power seemed to radiate from the ex-Spirit Detective. However, it was different than it had been years ago. It was now filled with pain and anger. The aura around him had changed from a light blue to black. The power radiated danger. The demon watched him in surprise as he sensed the type of energy.

"You… you're a demon!"

"Brilliant. And like most demons, I'm not going to waste my time on another that is below my time." The demon's eyes widened and Yusuke disappeared suddenly, only to reappear in front of him. "Tell Koenma I sent you." And with that, Yusuke's hand whipped through the demon's neck, easily decapitating the creature.

Without a second look for the unfortunate creature, Yusuke continued his slow walk through the cold, winter night.

_  
And I  
Just wish that  
I didn't feel  
Like there was  
Something I missed  
And I  
Take back all  
The things I said  
To make you  
Feel like that  
And I  
Just wish that  
I didn't feel  
Like there was  
Something I missed  
And I  
Take back all the  
Things I said to you_

Walking slowly through the streets, Yusuke realized that the features of the neighborhood seemed familiar. Looking at the house across the street, he realized it was Kurama's. A light was on in the upstairs room, meaning Kurama was home, probably on vacation from school. Yusuke stopped a moment as he saw movement in the fox's room. He saw Kurama walk past the window, and with his enhanced senses, he was able to make out his form. The red-head had not changed much in the years since the team had disbanded. His fiery-red hair was still long as ever, though tonight it was pulled back in a ponytail, a look that only Kurama seemed to be able to pull off and still hold that graceful, yet deadly quality. Since the team had disbanded those years ago, Kurama had gone off to college in Tokyo. This year would be his senior year, Yusuke decided. He seemed to be losing track of time more often lately.

Kurama walked over to the window, recognition dawning in his elegant emerald eyes. Yusuke cursed under his breath. He must not have been making a careful enough job of concealing his energy. Quietly, the ex-Spirit Detective slipped into the shadows and out of even the ever-watchful eyes of the fox demon. Anymore, Yusuke found he was at home in the shadows. It seemed to suit his new persona. He watched as Kurama opened his window and looked around hopefully. Yusuke suppressed a sigh. Even after all that had happened, his friends were still concerned about him. Since it had happened, they had told him they still cared about him and would support him, but Yusuke had been unable to stay in their presence. He somehow felt like less of a being when he was around them. He was not like them anymore. Since he had disappeared they had looked for him in hopes of bringing him back. But they had never found him. Yusuke took a lesson from Hiei: he was hard to find, even for a master thief, when he did not want to be found.

Slowly and sadly, Kurama pulled his head back into the window and shut it. He stood at the window for a moment. Yusuke could feel the fox searching for him with his mind.

"_Yusuke, I know you're out there. Please, talk to me."_ Yusuke paused. He had not talked to his friends in years. Should he answer? But this was Kurama. One of his fellow members of the Reikai Tantei. He at least owed him a response.

"_Kurama, I'm here. Nothing ever gets by you, does it?"_

"_Yusuke!"_ Kurama seemed startled by the fact that Yusuke would respond, especially after all these years. But his tone also seemed happy. _"Yusuke, why are you hiding? You know we care about you. We've been looking for you for years."_

"_I know."_

"_Then, why?"_

"_Because… Because I can't face it anymore."_

"_Face what?"_

"_I think you know."_ Yusuke could feel Kurama frowning.

"_Yusuke, we still care about you. We want you to come back."_

"_I'm not the same anymore."_

"_None of us are."_

"_I've changed, more than you could imagine."_

"_What does that mean?"_ Sighing, Yusuke stepped out into the warm light of the streetlight. Kurama gasped at the appearance of his friend.

"_Oh, Yusuke…"_

"_Please, don't follow me." _Stepping back, Yusuke melted into the shadows once again. _"Goodbye, Kurama."_

"_Yusuke!"_ But Yusuke did not respond. A slight pang of guilt hit the former Spirit Detective's heart, but he quickly repressed it, like all the other feelings he seemed to be having.

And I'd give it all away  
Just to have somewhere  
To go to  
Give it all away  
To have someone  
To come home to

Continuing on his slow walk, Yusuke found his feet taking him past Kuwabara's home. He could see a light in the living room and through the window, he could see Shizuru, Kuwabara, and to his surprise, Yukina, sitting on a couch, watching television. Kuwabara looked older and more mature than he had before. He seemed to have grown into his once oversized features, and, as much as he hated to admit it, he looked almost handsome. Yukina also seemed to have matured, her eyes, though still innocent, looked older. When she and Kuwabara looked at each other, their expressions were filled with love. Yusuke felt a pang of emotion for the second time that night, this time, jealousy. Once again, he suppressed the emotion.

Since Yusuke had returned to Demon World after Sensui, Kuwabara had been studying hard in school. He had also gone to college, though he had gone to Kyoto. He was a year behind Kurama, though seemed to be doing well. It seemed he had grown some confidence over the years, as he sat with his arm around Yukina's shoulders, and she only smiled at him. Kuwabara perked up.

Hiei seemed to be getting over his hatred and distrust for Kuwabara, as he had been spending more and more time in Demon World, with Mukuro. That was where he was now, Yusuke was sure. He had only recently returned from Demon World, his self-imposed exile continued in the realm of his ancestral father as well. He had been given invitation after invitation from Yomi and Mukuro, but he had declined, unwilling to put himself among those he considered to be more civilized than he was anymore.

Sighing, Yusuke gave one final look into his former best friend's window and continued on his walk. Without even realizing it, Yusuke had ended up in front of the last place he wanted to be: the Yukimura Diner. The lights were on inside, and in the window, Yusuke could see Keiko's parents. He wondered if Keiko was still at school, though Kurama and Kuwabara were home. Keiko had also gone to college, attending school in Tokyo with Kurama. A feeling of relief settled in his stomach, only to sink into pain as she came down the stairs, holding hands with a man. He was a young man, about Keiko's age, and handsome. He had short brown hair and lively green eyes. When he and Keiko looked at each other, their eyes mirrored those of Kuwabara and Yukina: filled with love.

Falling back into the shadows, Yusuke watched as Keiko and her new boyfriend sat down at the table with her parents. She seemed to be doing well. She had grown to become even more beautiful than Yusuke could remember. Her brown hair cascaded over her shoulders, and her thin form was accentuated with the stylish clothing she wore. Keiko's boyfriend sat down next to her, and put an arm around her shoulders. She smiled at him, and her parents beamed at the pair.

Once again, Yusuke felt a pang of jealousy in his gut, but this one refused to be suppressed. The once Spirit Detective wished that he could be the one sitting there at the table with his arm around Keiko, but he knew it was not to be. Things had changed; he had changed._  
_

_This is my December  
These are my snow-covered trees  
This is me pretending  
This is all I need_

No matter what he did, Yusuke knew it was never to be with Keiko. Not after what had happened. So, he had to make do with what he had. Only, he had pushed his friends away. They had reached out to him, offering him support in a time of need, but he had pushed them out of his life. He had gone into self-imposed exile, in both Human and Demon world. He became a wanderer, hoping to sort out his thoughts and feelings, at least at first. But, being a wanderer in Demon World had made him a target. He had gotten into more fights while wandering through the alien land than he had picked while he had been in Junior High. That is where all the scars on his face, as well as heart, had come from.

His self-imposed exile had not ended. He had never been able to sort out his thoughts and feeling. He had become obsessed with the fighting. Sometimes, he walked around in broad daylight around large groups of demons, flaunting who he was: the former Spirit Detective of the Human Realm, and the ancestral son of Raizen. He found he was able to drown out his guilt and pain through the fighting, so broadcasting his identity was a good way to get into a fight.

But he was not happy. He had eventually returned to the Human Realm, and had found his friends. They seemed to have moved on. Kurama and Kuwabara, as well as Keiko, were in college. His mother was still drinking, and Genkai was still looking after her temple. He did not want to burden his friends with his pain and issues, so had watched them from afar. They had looked for him, but had never found him. But it just did not feel right. He missed the times of his younger years when he had been on cases as Spirit Detective with his friends and teammates. He remembered going to the Dark Tournament and how much he had worried about his friends. He had never felt so alive, as fighting alongside his friends to save the world.

And I  
Just wish that  
I didn't feel  
Like there was  
Something I missed  
And I  
Take back all  
The things I said  
To make you feel like that  
And I  
Just wish that  
I didn't feel  
Like there was  
Something I missed  
And I  
Take back all the things  
I said to you

Except when he had been with Keiko. Those had been special times. From a young age, Yusuke and Keiko had been friends, through his growing into a teenage street punk and her growing into a model student. And his death had made him realize how much he cared about her and how much she cared about him. Her concern had translated into her coming to watch him fight in the Dark Tournament and wanting to be involved in his cases, wanting to help. But he had wanted to protect her, because he loved her. He still loved her. But one stupid mistake during a time of weakness several years ago had cost him his future with her.

Some time after the Demon World Tournament had ended, Yusuke had been feeling weak and vulnerable. He had not been thinking straight and had needed comfort. However, it was not Keiko who had found him first, though he had found comfort; and he had found comfort with someone they both knew. Afterward, Yusuke had felt guilty about what had happened, and hoped to never bring it up again. But Keiko had found out about it and a confrontation had followed. Yusuke's thoughts drifted back to that painful night.

"_Yusuke, how could you?" Keiko demanded through her tears._

"_Keiko, I…"_

"_You what?"_

"_I wasn't myself. I was in a lot of pain. And something happened that I really regret." Yusuke hung his head._

"_But you never thought to bring it up to me? You meant to keep it secret?"_

"_I… I didn't want to hurt you."_

"_And you think me finding out on my own wouldn't hurt me?"_

"_I… I didn't want you to find out. It was a mistake. One that I never wanted to remember."_

"_And you thought keeping it from me and from yourself would make it better? Is that it?" Yusuke stayed silent, unable to respond. "Yusuke," Keiko paused, as if unsure whether she should ask the question or not. "Do… do you still love me?" Yusuke stared at her in shock._

"_Of course I do," he replied in disbelief that she would even ask him that._

"_Then why don't you act like it?"_

"_What is that supposed to mean?"_

"_Exactly what it sounded like." Keiko crossed her arms underneath her breasts, a sign that she was losing her patience, though Yusuke already knew that. "I've put up with a lot for your sake Yusuke. I waited for you after you died. And then I was on the unknowing end while you went on your cases as Spirit Detective. I watched as you fought for your life and those of your friends during that tournament. And I waited while you saved the world against Sensui, but you died and came back as something else. But I still loved you. I waited for you to go to Demon World for years, and when you came back I still loved you. And you do something like you did, and, my God Yusuke, I still love you." She paused, letting the onslaught sink in. Yusuke stared at her in dumb shock. _

"_But I don't know if I can continue to be with you if I can't trust you while you are away."_

"_But, Keiko…"_

"_Yusuke, we're getting married soon. What kind of future would we have together if you are off all the time fighting demons? What would happen to the children? And me? I don't know if I can look forward to a future like that."_

"_Keiko, what are you saying?"_

"_I think you know, even with that thick skull of yours, Yusuke."_

"_Because I made one stupid mistake?"_

"_Because you cheated on me and kept it from me. Because you never tell me anything. I can't take it anymore. I don't want to have to raise children who don't know what to think of their father."_

"_So…"_

"_It's over, Yusuke. I can't take it anymore." Keiko turned away and walked off. Yusuke stared at her in dumb shock, unable to say or do anything. He watched as she disappeared into the distance. _That had been the last time he had spoken with Keiko. 

And I'd give it all away  
Just to have  
Somewhere to go to  
Give it all away  
To have someone  
To come home to

Yusuke watched in silence. Keiko was happy with her new companion. She deserved to be happy, and with the way he had lived his life before, she could never have been completely happy. He saw that now. But that did not stop him from continuing to love her. Perhaps it was foolish, but some nights he dreamt of living a normal life; coming home from work at night to his loving wife and beautiful children. It could have been a beautiful life. But he was Yusuke Urameshi, ex-Spirit Detective, heir of a former Demon Lord, and cheater. Somewhere deep in his darkened soul, he could not help but think that he did not deserve someone as good and pure as Keiko; he was a killer and a rogue. Keiko was smart and beautiful, while he was ignorant and a demon. How could they have had a life together? Maybe, had he been more open and honest and trusting…

Things could have been different. Things could have been happy. He could have been happy.

This is my December  
This is my time of the year  
This is my December  
This is all so clear

Finally, unable to watch the scene anymore, Yusuke turned and walked from the land. He was snapped out of his dark reverie when a soft voice called out his name from behind. That voice… _It couldn't be…_ Yusuke turned to see Keiko standing on the sidewalk, a soft expression gracing her beautiful face. His breath caught in his chest and for the first time, he felt the cold of the winter night as he looked at Keiko. Slowly, she walked toward him and stopped when she stood a few feet in front of him.

"Keiko…" Yusuke's now hardened voice caught Keiko by surprise, as did his now rugged and almost dead appearance. She lifted a hand hesitantly and traced a finger down the long scar on the right side of his face. Yusuke tensed for a moment, then relaxed when he realized her intentions.

"Look at you," she said quietly, stepping back to study her former lover.

"H- how did you know I was here?" he asked.

"I may not be a spiritually aware person like Kuwabara, but I've always been able to sense your presence," she replied with a small smile.

"I… see," Yusuke replied, unsure of what else to say.

"What have you gotten yourself into, Yusuke? You're a mess." Her tone was more teasing than anything, though Yusuke could sense the concern in the back of her voice.

"A little of this and a little of that," he replied gruffly.

"I… see," replied Keiko, echoing Yusuke's uncertainty from a few moments before. Yusuke found himself unable to look at Keiko, and so turned his gaze back to her home.

"I see you've been doing well for yourself. You seem happy." A lump formed in his throat.

"Yes, I am." She hesitated. "Kiyo and I are… well, we're engaged."

"I see. Congratulations."

"Yusuke…"

"No, I'm happy for you. Really. That was why I left, anyway. I wanted you to be happy."

"Yusuke, I wish you wouldn't run from me." A tear fell down her cheek. "I… I still love you."

"And I love you, Keiko."

"But we can't be together. Not anymore."

"No. We can't." Yusuke turned to leave. 

And I'd give it all away  
Just to have somewhere  
To go to  
Give it all away  
To have someone  
To come home to

"But… I wish you would stay." Stopping in his tracks, Yusuke turned to face Keiko.

"You what?"

"I wish you would stay," she said, emotion burning in those big eyes of hers. "The others agree. We all miss you and want you to come back."

"Even as I am now? Even as the dark monster I've become?" Yusuke demanded, dead eyes flaring slightly with the Hellfires that burned within them.

"Yusuke… you could never be a monster. Not in my eyes, and not in theirs." Murky brown eyes widened.

"After everything I did to you, you still want me in your life?" Yusuke could not believe what he was hearing. It was as if his world was crumbling and his most secret of all dreams was coming to pass.

"Yes," the whispered, but tearful reply answered.

"But, why?"

"Because… you're Yusuke."

"I don't know, Keiko. I've done a lot to hurt you and I don't think I could ever make up for that."

"It hurts me even more to see you like this. You… you look like the evil demon that Spirit World thinks you are supposed to be. But I know this is not you."

"And how can you know that?"

"Because I know the real Yusuke. I was around when he came to be, when he became Spirit Detective and had friends." A pause. "You had all of that. Why did you leave it?"

"To think."

"And see how that turned out. You should really leave the thinking to Kurama. That's what you always used to do, anyway." Keiko smiled feebly at the half-attempted joke, but Yusuke merely stared with those burning, yet dead eyes.

"I'm not that Yusuke anymore."

"No. You've become a fighting machine that tries to drown his emotions in battle, isn't that right?" Yusuke stepped back at the fiery tone in Keiko's voice. It was times like these when he was younger that he feared more than any demon that he had ever faced.

"Don't give it all away, Yusuke. We're still here. Don't you want things to go back to normal?"

"They could never go back to normal, Keiko. You know that." Yusuke turned and began to walk away.

"Yusuke, please!" Yusuke stopped and turned to face his first and only love.

"Keiko, I'm sorry for hurting you those years ago. I really am."

"I know," she whispered. Yusuke turned back and walked into the night, blending in with the shadows that had become his company in these last years. No, things could never be normal again.


End file.
